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Sunday, June 24, 2012

I Don't Know "BEANS" About Cleaning Horse Boy Parts

Today I did something I never in a million years thought I might do. I cleaned a horse penis. Not just one, but TWO horse dangly-bits. OK- I actually held the horse, and got a lesson in how to do this. Next time is my turn. Can. Hardly. Wait. (insert sarcasm here)

We all know those puppies are the scariest honking thing you've ever seen pretty big. And since they only get a deep cleaning about twice a year, they are also pretty dirty. Everywhere. The hangy-down part is actually the cleanest part. I learned a whole lot today. Like you also have to clean the little pocket that the hangy-down bit hides in when it is not being all hangy-downy. The proper term for the boy part is sheath. But, its more fun to write hangy-down thingy, so we’ll stick with that.

So here’s the lesson I got today.

1)   Warm the water. I suppose I’d get annoyed if someone scrubbed me down with ice-cold water from the hose, so this was of course the nice thing to do.
2)   Get the special “body wash” for boy horse parts. It is called “Excalibur”. Really. That is the real name. Look. Here is a picture of the bottle.
 A lot of folks just use Ivory dish detergent.
3)   Take a clean sponge and get every thing wet with the warm water.
4)   You can choose to put on gloves if you wish, but either way this is where the girls are separated from the real women. Time to get up in there with soap and fingers, ladies.
5)   Place the cleaning agent of your choice in your hand, on cotton, or some people just put a clean cotton sock as a glove- (a two-fer!), and enter the pocket zone (inner sheath). Gently clean around the penis, which will be retracted up pretty far up there in the inner sheath.
6)   Little bits of gunk, gook, dirt and stuff will come out. As an added bonus, it smells funky. I know, right? Rinse as necessary throughout the scrubbing process. Yes, please.
7)   Male horses develop things called “beans” that gather in the end of their penises. It is a combination of dirt, smegma, and who knows what all.I had no idea. This was complete news to me. I felt a little dumb and uniformed that I didn’t know this. I felt even more grossed out than I did dumb. These beanie-babies are dang big. Even for a horse. Look. These two came out of the nice guy I ride. I wish I had put a penny beside these when I took the picture so you could see how big they are.

They were as big as grapes. Ouch. I imagine they are called beans because they are shaped like kidney beans. Only WAY freakin' bigger. Or maybe this guy just is a "real" horse and grows 'em huge. Whatever. Still gross.
8)   Do not attempt to remove beans unless you’ve been trained by a real pro or you are a vet. I would not do this myself. Maybe someday when I am a grown up horse lady. I am 50, and I will leave this to the trained professionals!
9)   Once you’ve gotten all the bits out, time to rinse. By this point some horses will even let you stick the hose right there and rinse. But you can also rinse with a clean sponge. This seems a little less violent to me, but it takes longer. They didn’t seem to mind the hose too much at this point.
10)   Sheath cleaning makes the boy ponies feel better. Beans and a dirty weenie can cause pain when urinating, and let’s face it: A clean one is always better than a dirty one.

For a proper lesson watch this video:
Clean a Horse Sheath

For a giggle, watch this one:
The Sheath Cleaning Song

1 comment:

  1. I didn't like beans before. Now I really, really don't like them . . .